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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674525">Selfish</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/BG97/pseuds/BG97'>BG97</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Stray Kids (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Check Author's Note For Details On The Warning, Cuck Felix, Cuckolding, Established Relationship, Lee Felix Deserves The World, M/M, Messy, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Sad, Sad Lee Felix (Stray Kids), Under-negotiated Kink</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:21:31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,385</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27674525</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/BG97/pseuds/BG97</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>But all of this, the circles he runs in his brain when it’s late at night and he feels like shit after not speaking up when something deeply hurt him, it’s all pointless… because Felix has been Felix long enough to know that there’s a cyclical nature to things like this. </i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Because Felix is selfish.</i>
</p>
<p>
  <i>Too selfish to change and too selfish to leave and too selfish to let anyone in.</i>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Alternatively: Felix's boyfriend has a fuckbuddy... and maybe he's definitely not handling that as well as he pretends to be.</p>
<p>- There's a moral to this story, but please mind the tags and author's note, thank you! -</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin, Bang Chan/Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix, Hwang Hyunjin/Lee Felix</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>216</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Selfish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey friends,</p>
<p>So, this is something I started a while back and spontaneously wanted to finish today. The alternative title for this should be "Noah Needs To Stop Projecting So Hard Onto Felix."</p>
<p>To cover the warnings or lack thereof.</p>
<p>I was very very close to putting the non-con warning on this fic because of the miscommunication and, honestly, at times, deception elements. I chose not to because each party is consenting, even if one is not truly enthusiastic, and the other two are not truly informed. I hope you'll understand and can take away from this the message I'm trying to communicate and while consent certainly plays a part, for me, the most important elements of this fic are centered on engaging in an under-negotiated kink (in this case, cuckolding), feelings of possessiveness and jealousy in relationships and the many confusing and upsetting emotions that can follow them, and, ultimately, the importance of being open and honest with your sexual and romantic partner(s).</p>
<p>This story means a lot to me, if I'm honest. Like I implied, I have certainly been in emotional situations like this and they are still feelings and emotions and concepts that I struggle with every day and I hope that maybe someone might benefit from this fic... whether to know you're not alone or to maybe take away lessons? I'm not sure... that's just my sincere and humble hope &lt;3</p>
<p>All of that being said, I hope you enjoy.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix doesn't keep his phone on him during lab days.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just doesn't think about it, let's it sit abandoned in his jacket pocket while he does his damnedest to not let Seungmin and Jisung bite each other’s heads off and derail their group project..</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn't think about it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Until Ryujin checks her's when they take a break and he remembers and -</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He has three missed messages.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>From Chan.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has gotten good at the forced emotions, making his excuses sound natural and casual… Yeji gives him a small smile as he leaves. His dinner sits abandoned on the table, an empty spot where he’d been playing Switzerland between Seungmin and Jisung’s bickering - something about who should do the final check over the lab write up, something dumb.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix finds an empty hallway and slides to the floor next to a wonky, student-made DNA structure. It feels like his heart might beat out of his chest as he stares at the little notification on his lock screen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s only one reason Chan would text him… only one reason the older man has his number at all…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He takes a deep breath and opens the app.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And there’s Hyunjin, his beautiful, adorable, charming boyfriend, staring at him through the screen, so close the camera isn’t even entirely focused on him… or maybe it’s shaky… it’s a little hard to tell...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All Felix can think about is Chan’s cock in Hyunjin’s mouth.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The picture is blurry, but Felix’s mind puts together all the details without permission, every vein, every pore… the way Hyunjin’s plush lips stretch thin at the corners when he opens his mouth wide like that, the exact way the ring Felix gave him for his birthday catches the shitty lighting in Chan’s dorm when he wraps his fingers around the older man’s dick, the sounds his throat makes when it’s being fucked into by that cock, the tears seeping from his pretty, glazed over eyes when he finally gets what he can’t from his boyfriend…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A million little things that make Felix’s heart clench up tight in his chest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then it’s over. The next picture could almost be sweet, almost be something Felix took himself - Hyunjin’s body tangled up in the sheets as he rests, long blond hair splaying across the pillow, face peaceful…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But those aren’t their sheets, the bruises littering his skin aren’t in the shape of Felix’s fingertips, and the cum leaking from his ass isn’t his own…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘Criminology got cancelled’ followed by a series of emojis that blur together as Felix tries to force himself to breathe.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The last message is already a few hours old.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He switches to his chat with Hyunjin even though he knows his boyfriend hasn’t sent anything since yesterday. It still makes something uneasy twist in his gut.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Which is dumb.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not like… this isn’t something he’s used to.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He nearly drops his phone when it rings, and it takes several seconds to recover from the sight of Chan’s name in bold across the top of the screen. He feels like Chan has some kind of sick sixth sense of exactly the worst time to spring a conversation on him, even if he knows logically the older man probably just happened to see he was online.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hello?” His Adam’s apple feels too heavy as he swallows, and he doesn’t trust himself to say more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Did you get my texts?” Felix can hear the grin in his voice, and once again his brain easily completes the picture. Just exactly how Chan’s lips would twist with this exact smile, how his deceptively charming dimples would pop into existence as it widens.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Yes.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Not even a thank you?” Chan laughs, “you know I don’t have to go out of my way to keep you updated.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Ice water fills Felix’s veins, but his head is full of too much static to even attempt to parse out why.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Thank you.” The words are barely more than a whisper, but they make Chan laugh.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix shouldn’t be hard.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Grab some lube on your way over, will you?” And just like that the line goes dead.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan hung up on him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t even ask if Felix would come… he knew he couldn’t stay away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix doesn’t want to think about how that makes him feel as he dodges questions from his lab group. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t like having to leave. He doesn’t like having to stress and worry about his course work and letting his friends down… but there’s a lot of things in Felix’s life that he doesn’t feel like he has any control over anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The entire walk to his and Hyunjin’s apartment is a blur. He should be thinking, but he can’t. There’s so many things that he needs to settle in his mind before he shows up at Chan’s place and tries to play his part in this thing they decided to start today, but… he can’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s like he’s working on autopilot as he treks back onto campus towards Chan’s apartment, a spare bottle of lube tucked into his backpack… for the man that’s actually fucking his boyfriend…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He knows the code to Chan’s single, the older man had given it to him at some point… because this isn’t the first time… but he hesitates outside and texts Chan anyway.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan never texts when he’s coming over, and it feels silly and pathetic when the love of his life is in there… but he texts.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan, not Hyunjin… because Hyunjin won’t be looking at his phone.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because Hyunjin isn’t thinking about him right now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix hates that he’s hard, aching in his sweats. It doesn’t make sense when everything else is one obnoxiously loud warning siren blaring in his head…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he also can’t just… not go into the room.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not a thought that’s even properly crossed his mind… and part of it might be the idea that he can’t let Hyunjin down… that his boyfriend enjoys this too much and he can’t just… not participate…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But Felix knows the real reason, that he can’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>not</span>
  </em>
  <span> be in that room. That, more than anything, it’s the not knowing that’s been eating away at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That Hyunjin was being fucked all day long and Felix didn’t know.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That, at some point, Chan and Hyunjin talked and decided to do this without him…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That maybe they do that a lot and just… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Felix never gets told.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he knows that’s kind of the point. That he doesn’t get a say…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he’s hard, so fucking ridiculously turned on, no matter how much he doesn’t want to be so… it has to be fine…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Right?</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘U know the code lol’</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix smiles shakily as someone gives him the side-eye while passing him in the hall. He doesn’t know how long he’s been standing there. Everything feels… </span>
  <em>
    <span>wrong </span>
  </em>
  <span>and </span>
  <em>
    <span>messy </span>
  </em>
  <span>in his head. His hands shake and fumble as he tries to punch the code in. He has to try multiple times, he keeps hitting the four instead of the one and then hesitates a second too long to reach for the handle the first time he does actually get it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He keeps thinking about how he has Chan’s code memorized by now… his thoughts are still too frazzled to assign meaning or make a value judgement on that, but the deepening pit in his stomach as his brain repeats it over and over feels significant.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then the door swings open, and it’s all he can do to stumble inside and shut it securely behind him because -</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s Hyunjin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The love of his life.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Riding Chan’s dick.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s facing Felix, but his eyes are closed, face twisted up in concentration and ecstasy… Chan is grinning at him over Hyunjin’s shoulder, resting back against the headboard and making Felix’s boyfriend do all the work.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin’s lips hang open, his face a mess of drool and tears; soft, desperate moans are punched out of him every time he drops back down onto Chan’s lap.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s backpack hits the industrial dorm carpeting with a muted thud, and only then do Hyunjin’s eyes flutter open. He startles, movements slowing, and it has the breath stilling in Felix’s lungs as their eyes meet and he thinks -</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan’s hand comes down on Hyunjin’s ass hard, possessive. “Did I tell you to stop?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“No… I- ‘m sorry,” Hyunjin stutters, quickly resuming his pace and dropping Felix’s gaze.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin’s a wreck of sweat and bruises and cum; his thighs shake and strain visibly on every bounce, eyes glazing over as he moans high and tight into the stagnant dorm air.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix can’t look away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Are you just going to stand there looking pathetic?” Felix knows Chan is nice; he was a writing fellow for their survey class freshman year and he’s always… nice. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Just not… here. Not with Hyunjin, not with this… thing… they do.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Felix gets why Hyunjin likes Chan so much when he’s not nice, and maybe that’s part of the problem… but his thighs squeeze together without his permission at the words, and he </span>
  <em>
    <span>feels</span>
  </em>
  <span> pathetic. He’s just standing there, staring, leaking precum into his underwear while his boyfriend gets fucked in front of him and he can’t… </span>
  <em>
    <span>do</span>
  </em>
  <span> anything.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He doesn’t know what to do because he doesn’t get to have a say in this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix doesn’t really know how it’s possible to feel like </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s </span>
  </em>
  <span>the imposter when it’s </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span> boyfriend getting fucked, but he </span>
  <em>
    <span>does</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan grabs Hyunjin’s hips and fucks up into him roughly, ripping noises from Hyunjin’s chest that Felix never gets to hear when they’re alone. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>When he and Hyunjin make love it’s gentle and tender, sweet kisses and soft touches. They take their time, work each other up slowly until they’re both desperate and aching, just the two of them holding each other close and moving with a messy grace.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s beautiful.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan doesn’t fuck Hyunjin like that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s filthy and brutal, cruel even; he fucks Hyunjin like he hates him, and Felix is left watching while his boyfriend gets off on it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“What, uh… where…” </span>
  <em>
    <span>What do you want me to do? Where do you want me?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s not sure why the questions are so hard to ask every time. Part of him feels even more pathetic for not being able to vocalize them, but another just can’t bring himself to speak the power Chan has over him into existence.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Either way, a new wave of shame and humiliation washes over him, bringing with it the traitorous flush of his body as something in his not-right mind takes pleasure in those emotions.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even as Felix isn’t totally sure he won’t just keel over and throw up all over Chan’s expensive looking rug.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The man on the bed scoffs, the noise disguised as he uses his bruising grip on Hyunjin’s waist to seat him punishingly in his lap yet again. Felix wants to say that it’s Hyunjin turning him on, the sound of his pretty, broken voice, the sight of his usually meticulously manicured appearance turned into a fucked out mess…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix knows he would be lying if he tried to pretend that was the only thing about this turning him on, yet he wishes it was. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He really, really does.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Can’t even speak now?” Felix doesn’t even know what he’s feeling anymore. It’s just all a mess.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t think.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>All he can do is watch as Chan shifts on the bed, hardly losing his rhythm as he gets his feet underneath him. Felix doesn’t want to notice how the muscles in the older man’s sweat-slicked thighs catch the light as they flex, or the way the veins in his hands seem to pulse - even from this distance - as they curl around Hyunjin’s shoulders and shove him roughly forward.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His boyfriend makes a wounded little noise as the cock is ripped from his ass and he lands on his shakey hands, the toned muscles in his usually strong arms trembling as they struggle to support his weight.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix’s mouth is somehow simultaneously too wet and too dry as he watches. He feels a line of sweat trail down his spine under his hoodie. He wants to take it off, wants to pretend that that alone will save his body from overheating…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he hasn’t been given permission to do anything yet.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And in the time it takes him to fret over that new thought, Chan gets to his knees behind Hyunjin and fucks back into him in one harsh thrust, sweaty hips smacking loudly against his boyfriend’s ass.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“If you wanna watch like a fucking creeper, you might as well get a good look.” Chan’s voice is cruel as he speaks, and Felix wants the thought to stop there, but he can’t help but notice that Chan can never say things like that when he’s looking at him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because as much as it doesn’t feel like it now, this is all an act. Felix wishes it wasn’t, wishes Chan could just be the villain in this fucked up little story... </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s a selfish thought.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Even if it’s hard to reconcile </span>
  <em>
    <span>this </span>
  </em>
  <span>Chan - that fucks his boyfriend both in front of and behind his back, that gets off on him being humiliated and embarrassed, that seems so mean and cold and in </span>
  <em>
    <span>control</span>
  </em>
  <span> - with the Chan he wants to pretend doesn’t exist but </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>, the </span>
  <em>
    <span>real </span>
  </em>
  <span>Chan - that blushes and giggles and can’t look at Felix when Hyunjin flirts with him in public, that works himself to the bone every day but still dodges any compliment anyone tries to give him, that’s quiet and </span>
  <em>
    <span>dorky </span>
  </em>
  <span>and clumsy and makes bad dad jokes that he laughs too hard at.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because the real Chan is someone Felix could like, a lot, if this Chan didn’t exist. And that just makes everything so much more confusing and messy for him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I -” It feels hard to swallow, the movement unconscious like he’s trying to keep certain words down even if he doesn’t fully know what those would be. “I’m not… sure… where do I…?”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s so embarrassing to trip over his words, to admit defeat… that his first instinct isn’t to get upset and refuse to participate in this game, but to immediately play along, play his part, do whatever they - </span>
  <em>
    <span>Chan </span>
  </em>
  <span>wants.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To have to raise his shaking, uncertain voice to have any hope of being heard over his boyfriend’s moans as he’s fucked for the nth time that day.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan grins in Felix’s direction, but doesn’t meet his eyes. Maybe Chan never actually </span>
  <em>
    <span>looks</span>
  </em>
  <span> at him and he’s never fully noticed before. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>There’s always a lot to distract him when the three of them are together, after all.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He thinks the thought should make him feel better, anyway… that Chan isn’t really doing all of this </span>
  <em>
    <span>to him</span>
  </em>
  <span>, but, for some reason… his brain latches on, instead, to the idea that he’s being ignored. That </span>
  <em>
    <span>he’s</span>
  </em>
  <span> never even actually a part of this, in whatever conciliatory way they act like they make him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>This is the moment that Felix realises he’s absolutely going to cry later.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The thought flits away from him quickly, but he knows it’s true.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan reaches down to pat the damp, cum-stained sheets right under where his and Hyunjin’s hips keep connecting. “Want you right here, don’t want you to miss a thing.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix thinks his heart might stop as that clicks in his brain; the only way he knows it hasn’t is because he can still feel it pulsing in his dick.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s an evil cycle - getting turned on by this is humiliating, and his own humiliation turns him on even more.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Evil and helpless.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix has already taken a few shaky steps towards the bed. He imagines Chan would laugh if his knees gave out… the thought is enough to have him locking them purposefully each time he inches closer.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The way each detail becomes just a little bit clearer with each step is both horrible and beautiful… in a sick way.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix knows they look good together, even if he wishes they didn’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’d all be so much simpler if they didn’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His sweatpants brush the bedframe before it really hits him that he still doesn’t really know what he’s doing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“How am… how do I…?” He stares at Hyunjin’s face as he speaks, at his dazed, blissed-out eyes and the string of drool connecting his swollen lower lip to the soaked sheets below… Chan gives one particularly hard thrust and his boyfriend’s body is jerked forward enough that it snaps, but when he drops his head on a wet moan in response, even more streams from between his lips.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s mesmerizing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Beautiful, yet horrible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>A loud slap is the only thing that can tear Felix’s gaze away and his new fixation is the blossoming patch of red on the side of Hyunjin’s ass. Chan’s voice feels far away when he speaks, but the words don’t stab at him any less, “let your little bitch in.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin dazedly turns his head and blinks in Felix’s direction. Recognition is slow to show in his pretty, heavy-lidded eyes. For some reason, that makes his dick twitch at the same time as something clenches sharply in his chest.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin slowly shifts his weight between his hands, brows furrowing as his fucked-out brain tries to figure out how to follow the order.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Dumb slut,” Chan laughs, reaching forward and bracing one hand on the bed while his other arm wraps around Hyunjin’s heaving chest. Felix watches with wide eyes as his boyfriend’s upper body is lifted off the bed easily, spine arching and reedy whines leaving his mouth as his shoulders meet Chan’s clavicles. Felix’s ring glints on Hyunjin’s long, pretty finger as his hands grip desperately on another man’s forearm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And all the while, Chan keeps fucking him, balancing their weights like it’s nothing. His free arm loops around Hyunjin’s thin waist as he straightens up, pale skin criss-crossing Hyunjin’s glistening frame.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To Felix, it looks like an embrace.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To Felix, it looks like possession.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To Felix, it looks like loss.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And, yet…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix feels the mattress dip under his knee as he begins to climb up to join them.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Selfish.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Hoodie off.” He freezes at Chan’s voice. The older man isn’t even looking at him again, his lips attaching to Hyunjin’s neck as soon as they’ve formed the curt order. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix doesn’t know how someone could make an invitation feel so much like a dismissal.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The objectively warm air in the room still feels cool against his sweaty skin as the fleece-lined fabric slips up his torso and over his head. He doesn’t even think before he strips it away. As messy as Felix’s mind is now, the guilt and regret only ever truly hits later.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In this moment, it’s like second nature to just do what Chan tells him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s one of the easiest things in the world, almost as easy as loving Hyunjin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And just the same… the heartbreak comes after.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But for now, Felix doesn’t have to think to shift forward, staring into his lover’s half-focused eyes. Hyunjin’s an absolute mess, keening as he’s fucked, lips hanging open and sweat dripping down his face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s beautiful... yet horrible.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix turns away with the certain knowledge that he’d never want Hyunjin to look like that with him. Beyond the fact that he couldn’t imagine being as rough and heavy-handed as Chan… he just couldn’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>So... he deserves this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That thought echoes in his mind as he slowly lays back and scooches up the mattress until his head is poking between Hyunjin’s thighs.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then there’s nothing else to think about.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin barely manages to catch himself on his hands on either side of Felix’s hips when Chan abruptly drops him, and Felix wants to say that his first thought is concern for his boyfriend…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the way Hyunjin’s skin dimples under Chan’s fingertips as they curl tightly around his hipbones.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the sound of their hips slapping just inches above his face, so loud his skull seems to rattle with it.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the way the modest bit of fat and lax muscle on Hyunjin’s ass and thighs jiggles with each impact.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the glistening sheen highlighting every detail of Chan’s cock every time he pulls out, just a flash of reddened skin and bulging veins and the little mole on the underside before he buries himself in Felix’s boyfriend, again.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the cum and lube frothing around Hyunjin’s swollen, used hole, dripping down his perineum and balls to dangle right over Felix’s transfixed face.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not the smell, hard to ignore from the other side of the room and now so thick and heavy in the air, Felix can taste it. Sweat and cum and </span>
  <em>
    <span>sex</span>
  </em>
  <span>, coating his throat and seeping into his lungs until he’s certain it’s become a part of him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The smell of Chan fucking the love of his life soaking into every pore, the image seared into his retinas, the sound drilled into his brain…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin moans, high and desperate, and there’s drool soaking through the front of his sweatpants, pooling on his tensed stomach. His lover’s cock is bouncing through the air with each thrust, precum splattering his chest at the same time that a glob of lubey cum hits his cheek.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He winces, but in the same second wonders if Hyunjin noticed the way his aching cock jumped in his sweatpants at the feeling.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix rarely gets this close, and now it’s impossible to ignore a single filthy second of what’s happening.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Of just how much his boyfriend’s enjoying this -</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And just as that thought crosses Felix’s mind, Hyunjin’s gorgeous body goes rigid, every muscle tensing beautifully over his boyfriend’s body as he cums on another man’s cock, a choking moan caught in his abused, overworked throat.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix looks down just in time to watch a few weak splatters of his lover’s cum spill onto his chest. His hips twitch up against his permission, muscles tightening up, and the barest hint of friction against his underwear is enough to have him trembling through his own orgasm.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Untouched.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Coated in the cum and sweat and drool from someone else’s sex.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>In his pants.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Pathetic.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The thought has him twitching through an aftershock.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And it’s in that exact moment of shameful bliss, where the pleasure is still mercifully overpowering the mortification, that Chan slams into his boyfriend a final time. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix feels dazed and out of his body as he watches Chan’s balls draw up and pulse over his face, only distantly realizing that he’s cumming inside Felix’s lover…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>His mind is blessedly muddy and slow…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He only realizes a second too late, after Chan pulls out, after Felix’s eyes glue to the gaping, twitching mess of his boyfriend’s hole, after his lips have parted in a moment of dumb, post-orgasm lapse of judgement -</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix vaguely registers the mess of cum and lube leaking from Hyunjin’s ass, but it’s not until after  it splatters onto his face that the reality of it, of what just happened, truly sinks in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It hits him in waves, like the taste of Chan’s cum coating his mouth, like the sensation of Chan’s cum gluing his eyes shut, like the feeling of Chan’s cum trickling down the sides of his face and soaking into his hair…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But it does hit him.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Crushingly.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And suddenly there’s nothing left to do but lay there in the aftermath and try to keep it from swallowing him whole.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because Chan turns gentle as soon as it’s over, like he always does… because he can never truly be the villain Felix so desperately wants him to be. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He carefully maneuvers Hyunjin off of Felix and sits him up, running wet wipes over his skin and whispering soft words into his ear.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Doting.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Caring.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Loving.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And Felix just keeps his eyes closed, trying to ignore the feeling of Chan’s cum cooling on his face or the hushed praises being murmured into his boyfriend’s ear by another man just a foot away from him by digging his thumbnail into each of his finger tips in turn. He can’t even make himself wipe it away or get up… or walk away...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he wants to let himself wallow in the shame and embarrassment soaking into his skin just a little longer, maybe that feels right...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he’s just too tired...</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Maybe he’s waiting for someone to just… look at him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To see him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>To realize he’s there, too.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s dumb, selfish, stupid, immature… all things Felix is feeling like he is right now.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he can still taste Chan’s cum in his mouth, and all he can smell is </span>
  <em>
    <span>them</span>
  </em>
  <span>, like it’s soaked into his skin and he’s not turned on anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Now he’s just Felix with his stupid messy emotions, laying silent and still on the bed while another man takes care of his boyfriend and he -</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, Felix, here -” Chan’s voice is soft, and his hands are softer, and for some reason that makes Felix want to hate him even more, and he doesn’t even know why. “Are you feeling okay? That was kind of intense.”</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix is pretty sure that if he keeps blinking up at Chan with newly cum-free eyes, at his stupid dimples and curls and soft expression, he’s going to start crying and that just… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>That can’t happen.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m okay.” It’s a lie, not even a good one, but Chan doesn’t ask anymore questions. He just gently works the wipe down his chest, even into his sticky underwear.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan doesn’t usually try to take care of him after. Usually Felix is fine enough, or Hyunjin is and can be the one to hold him and patch him back together, but Hyunjin’s… somewhere.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix pretends that the fingers brushing through his hair are Hyunjin’s… and maybe they are, but he’s too scared to look in case they aren’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He wants to be good, wants to just cuddle up with Hyunjin and pet his sticky skin and tell him everything’s okay, but he… he can’t make himself.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Selfish.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>oOo</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix expects them to go away.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The feelings.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They don’t.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He makes Hyunjin food that night and takes it to him in bed, pets his hair as he chews sleepily. It’d be so much easier if he didn’t still love him, if his heart didn’t still beat too fast when he kisses him soft and slow in their bed, if he didn’t still light up at every loving word and touch and tiny fragment of attention the other man gives him…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But he does.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And that paradoxically still happens alongside the ugly thoughts in his head.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>They’re not new. They’ve always been there, the ideas that he’s not good enough for Hyunjin, not handsome enough, not smart enough, not… stable enough.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Not enough.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He honestly doesn’t really understand his mind most of the time. Because, in the same second he’s thinking about how wild it is that someone like Hyunjin loves someone like him, he’s thinking about how cruel it is that Hyunjin can only give him some of his heart, that he saves pieces of it for others.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Sometimes, Felix wants to get angry. He wants to scream and say every horrible thought that’s running through his head, but he doesn’t. He just gets… sad. Deeply, hopelessly, unstoppably sad, until he feels like it might kill him, like his heart might actually just give out.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s pathetic and victimizing.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And no matter how much his brain tries to convince him that he’s a victim, that Hyunjin knows him well enough and should just </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> that this hurts him and should </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> that he isn’t well…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix isn’t a victim. He’s self aware enough to know that.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s just… well, a lot of things: crazy, insecure, unstable, distrustful… possessive.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix doesn’t </span>
  <em>
    <span>want </span>
  </em>
  <span>to be possessive. He wants to give Hyunjin the world, whatever he wants, and just be happy with whatever the other man gives him in return…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But it’s hard when what Hyunjin wants is someone else.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Chan, or whoever… someone who can give him what Felix is lacking.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Hyunjin’s never put it in those words outside of a scene, and Felix knows it’s not fair, but he also… he sees it. Hyunjin loves him, and he knows that, but he also knows that he loves other people too…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And something in Felix’s brain can’t handle that sometimes. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s all a paradox; Felix loves how magnetic Hyunjin is, how easy he is to love and how much love he has to give in return… yet, he thinks there’s always a part of him that will never be convinced that Hyunjin can love him the most… no matter how many times he says it or shows it… it’s the tiny ways he shows his love and affection and attraction for others that stick in Felix’s brain like leeches.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It eats away at him, that some days all he can think is that he’s just waiting around until Hyunjin inevitably realizes that he can get everything he has with Felix and more, something </span>
  <em>
    <span>better</span>
  </em>
  <span>, somewhere else.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And then Hyunjin curls into his side and runs his fingers through his hair and tells him he’s his favorite and…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The paradoxes continue.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s like a weight lifting off his shoulders and something warm and in love swelling in his chest at the same time a pit sinks into his stomach.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix could manage it before… decently enough… </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He could have whole weeks where he’s just in love with Hyunjin, every part of him, even the parts that talk about how much he’d like to fuck their friends, and Felix could just laugh and talk through the fantasies with him, could even live out some of them with him… and things were somehow still okay. He’d be the one in Hyunjin’s arms at the end of the night, and things would be okay.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But this… this isn’t going away. And Felix wants to just tell himself that it will, that it always does, that eventually he might even get used to it, but somewhere he knows that he can’t keep doing this.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He can’t keep hiding this ugly, scary, intense part of him from the man he loves.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because his insecurity isn’t pretty or cute or flattering. It’s sobbing in the bathroom at three in the morning, and it’s getting sick in the bushes behind the rec center because Chan smiled at him as their paths crossed and he had to smile back.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s making friends with all of Hyunjin’s friends just because it’s less scary when they’re not strangers, and it’s lying when Hyunjin comes home from class before Felix can hide the evidence of his breakdowns.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s not something lovable.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It’s scary.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It scares the shit out of Felix.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>And he doesn’t want to be scary. He doesn’t want to be crazy. He doesn’t want to be manipulative.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just… wants to be with Hyunjin.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But there’s no way to begin to unpack all of this with someone else without scaring them and he doesn’t know how to keep going without explaining.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>It feels like it’s toxic of him to lie and toxic of him to explain.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He just doesn’t want to be like this anymore.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>But all of this, the circles he runs in his brain when it’s late at night and he feels like shit after not speaking up when something deeply hurt him, it’s all pointless… because Felix has been Felix long enough to know that there’s a cyclical nature to things like this. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Because Felix is selfish.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Too selfish to change and too selfish to leave and too selfish to let anyone in.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>No matter how hard he tries… everything is just too terrifying.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>If he could somehow make the jealousy go away, then there’s the thought that he’ll just be blind-sided when Hyunjin ends up leaving. And if he could somehow get up the courage to admit anything to his boyfriend, there’s the thought that he’ll just drive him further away. And if he could somehow find a way to leave first… to save them both the time and trouble and heartache… but that’s just…</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Felix </span>
  <em>
    <span>can’t</span>
  </em>
  <span>.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He’s just too selfish.</span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>G-d... this one really took a toll on me personally lol. </p>
<p>Comments and kudos are always <i>greatly</i> appreciated! Let me know what you thought either on here, twitter, or cc &lt;3</p>
<p>Twitter: <a href="https://twitter.com/NoahBG97">NoahBG97</a><br/>CC: <a href="https://curiouscat.me/BG1997">BG1997</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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